I have been parenting children of my own for almost 5 years now. It feels like eternity, I can only vaguely remember who I was before them.

When I tell people stories of my “past life” they can barely relate that person to the person they know now. I know I am in the very beginning of this journey, and I know I have a lot to learn, based solely off how much I have already learned. One of the biggest, most memorable, most frequently taught to me lessons I’ve learned so far is this: People Lie About How Hard It Is to Be a Parent.

Okay so maybe they don’t lie. But they certainly don’t shout about it from the rooftops, either!

I sincerely feel like I was not told the truth about parenting, ever. I was set up to believe I’d be a great mother some day. Now please, don’t get me wrong, I am a great mother. I know that. I work very hard to be one and I do not take that responsibility lightly. All I’m saying is that all the babysitting in the world didn’t teach me how hard it is to be a good parent. Being told, from a very young age, that I’d be a great mom someday, didn’t teach me how hard it is to be a good parent. Even having a child of my own didn’t teach me how hard it is to be a good parent. 

My newborn daughter was, quite frankly, the worst newborn baby. She cried for four hours a day, every single day, for the first 5 months of her life. She went through a Period of PURPLE Cry. Also known as “the witching hour.” You may recognize the term PURPLE Cry from the movies they make you watch before you are allowed to leave the hospital with your baby. 

Essentially it is a stage of development all babies go through (at different intensities), where they cry inconsolably for some amount of time, usually in the evenings. Some babies cry for 5 minutes, some for 4 hours. My daughter cried from 5 to 9 pm, every day for the first 5 months. 

My husband and I live away from any family and we didn’t have friends we felt we could lean on, so we leaned on each other. I would nurse her, walk her, shush her, pat her, sway with her until I just couldn’t physically do it anymore. Then I’d pass her to my husband and he’d try his tricks until he couldn’t handle it anymore, then he’d pass her back to me. 

I began being treated for Postpartum Depression. I started to realize I didn’t actually like her that much. I loved her, more than literally anything else on the plant. I would do anything for her. But I didn’t like spending time with her. This was the first time I realized, maybe I’m not as great at this as I thought I would be. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so confident. 

But you know what, she outgrew the PURPLE Cry and man did she turn out to be THE BEST older baby and toddler. She actually, is so great, that I tricked myself (again) into believing I was a truly great mother. “It’s not that hard guys. Just be consistent. Just be the boss. Just make them do what you want them to do.” My daughter was 2 when I found out I was pregnant again. The best, most fun, most special 2 year old there ever was. Barely a hard day in sight. “Terrible 2s they say, who says that?! 2 is great! I can totally be a great mom to 2 kids!!”

HA. The universe laughed at me. She sent me a feral one. 

This second baby was born happy, content, loving people and smiling. He was pure joy to everyone who laid eyes on him and he gave his smiles freely to strangers, every chance he had. He was the sun our family rotated around and it appears that may have gone to his big ole baby noggin, because he certainly tries to run the show around here every chance he gets. Turns out the Terrible 2s are a thing, and they start well before age 2. This boy has thrown more fits, kicking and screaming, in his 20 months of life than his sister has in her almost 5 years. He absolutely has no problem letting us know his opinion about anything. He reminds me, several times a week, that I am not as great at this mom-gig as I thought I was. He reminds me that every kid is different and unique and deserves to be parented differently and uniquely. 

These are good reminders. It’s impossible to be the best at something and sometimes we need a little push outside our comfort zone to try something new. I need reminders sometimes to read a new parenting book, listen to a new podcast about parenting, to remember that everyone is human and I don’t know their trials. 

Parenting is HARD and it is hard, literally every single day. It’s the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. This morning my son kicked and screamed at me because he couldn’t bring his Vicks VapoRub to daycare with him. That was a tough start to the day. Tonight, my daughter told me she doesn’t like her eyebrows. They’re boy eyebrows, she says. To realize that my 4 year old has things she is self-conscious about, that was a tough way to end the day. 

But do you know what else parenting is? It’s the very best thing I’ve ever done.

I cannot literally describe the love I feel for these small humans. They have my whole entire heart, I have never loved anything like I love them. They bring light, laughter, and happiness to our lives every day. One simple snuggle or “la you” will make up for any stress they’ve caused me already that day. Nobody knows how much you can love someone until you have kids. They change you, for the better. 

So I will keep fighting to be a good mom. I will keep reading the books and listening to the podcasts. I will keep trying to remember, that I can always do better and I’m sure my kids will keep reminding me of that too. Moms and dads, I’m here with you. In the trenches, every day. We are all new parents, every day, every year, every kid. I’ve been a mom for 4 years, but I’ve never parented a 5 year old. I’ve parented a 2 year old, but not THIS two year old. I have so much to learn, and I’m so grateful to be given grace to be able to do that.