The New Me
There are plenty of things that everyone warns you about when you first become a mom: the sleepless nights, the love you will feel, the stretch marks. I want to know why nobody warned me that it would take TWO YEARS to feel like myself again after I had a baby?! And I still didn’t even feel like myself! I felt like someone who slightly resembles the old me but is now more worried about this walking, talking, extension-of-MY-OWN-HEART, out in the world without me, than myself.
While I really try not to compare myself to another mom, I will admit I find myself comparing the old me to the new me. Old me liked to wait in line for the newest iPhone on the day it came out, new me likes to buy the cheapest one available and fill up the memory immediately with old pictures of my kids that transfer in from the old phone. Old me liked to browse food blogs and recipe books to find new fun recipes to try, new me likes making box mac and cheese for dinner for the 3rd time this week. Old me liked to drink a glass (or bottle) of wine on a friday to unwind after work, new me is too afraid to parent hungover to drink more than a glass at a time. I’m just kidding, I don’t like doing any of those things. But I do it, because that’s the reality of this season of life for me.
Some things I actually like doing are:
Complaining about how hard it is to be a good parent to my best mom pals and having them understand. They know that the only reason it’s so hard is because we want to do the absolute best we can to raise the absolute best humans we can.
Listening to my husband play out the same 3 scenes from Harry Potter every day with our 4 year old and 1 year old while I cook dinner in peace and quiet.
Listening to the latest murder/thriller book because I only have so much time to read every day and it is usually spent reading bedtime stories.
I will admit that it was easier to feel like the new me after the second baby. I 100% contribute this to my mom friends. Having people to spend time with that you’re not related to and being able to relate to someone who is in the trenches at the same time is a real game changer. Sometimes the best part of having mom friends is that they can remind me to be thankful by complaining about something that their kid does that my kid doesn’t actually do (yet). I’ll find myself thinking “hey, maybe my kid isn’t so bad afterall” - it is also a good thing to remember that this will surely change in a matter of weeks if not days, especially if I have this exact thought.
Shortly after becoming a mom for the first time my cousin told me “motherhood has changed you.” I randomly think about this sometimes and while I can (and do) mourn the loss of my pre-baby body, sleep schedule, and my willingness to spend money freely on myself, I remember that the new me is pretty great too. New me gets a round of applause after Twinkle Twinkle. New me gets to feel the crush of a sweaty baby head on my chest in the middle of the night. New me is reminded so often that forgiveness is free and freeing for the spirit. Mine and theirs.
Not everyone chooses the mom life, sometimes it chooses us and at times we wouldn’t necessarily prefer, but no matter how we got here, I think it is a gift and should not be taken for granted. It’s a very important job and a hard one. Tonight, if I need it, I’ll repeat my mantra of the week “Motherhood is a Gift” while I eat the cold mac and cheese from a baby spoon that my 1 year old didn’t finish.