Setting Boundaries as a New Parent: Holiday Edition
All of our relationships require boundaries.
Without boundaries we can’t know what a person will allow or is comfortable with. Boundaries are what helps our friends know that they shouldn’t call you at 6 am unless it's an emergency. It isn’t because you don’t love them, but because they have a mutual respect for your needs and they know that you need coffee before you people. Boundaries are what helps our children know that they shouldn’t eat a snack 10 minutes before dinner. Boundaries are what causes our parents to not crawl in through our bedroom windows in the night and try to rock us while we sleep (I’m side-eyeing you, Love You Forever…). Boundaries are what helps our extended family members know what you are comfortable with when it comes to your new baby. Ah, boundaries seemed so simple and uncomplicated until that last one!
Why are setting boundaries so hard during the holidays when there is a tiny human involved?
Maybe it’s because we are setting boundaries in a short amount of time, with multiple people whom we see very seldom. Maybe it’s because people on a whole only consider their own needs and wants when it comes to babies and children *sips tea*. They only think of how adorable your sweet baby is, not that it is your sweet baby’s naptime and you’ve been working your butt off to get your baby to sleep consistently in their crib. Family members may not understand that consent applies to children as well and that one of your kiddos really doesn’t love hugs except from immediate family. But man! Wouldn’t it be so easy to just let these things slide? I mean, it is the holidays after all.
Setting boundaries as a parent is a huge part of how we protect our children. They depend on us to set routines, enforce appropriate rules (“don’t swing from the curtains” is an actual rule in my house), give them use of their voice, allow them to exercise their autonomy in a safe and structure environment - all of these things are boundaries that we have to set for our kids.
When your kid is an infant though, your boundaries are your baby’s boundaries. What are some boundaries that you can set that is at your comfort level, but also allows for a holly jolly Christmas without awkward silence after you lose your crap on your sister-in-law? Set your boundaries ahead of time - send a text to the family members telling them that you are excited for them to meet your new baby (if they haven’t yet) but also telling them of what you expect. There is nothing wrong with setting your expectations. Expectations are not bad, they just need to be reasonable.
Here are a few reasonable expectation/boundary examples:
Nobody holds the baby unless they first wash their hands. With soap.
If you are holding the baby, you don’t pass the baby off without mom’s permission.
Smokers will not be permitted to hold the baby. “You’ve made your life choices. My child should not suffer the consequences.” Eh use your judgement on how you word that. You know your family.
If you’ve been sick recently, you will not be allowed to hold the baby.
I will feed my baby where I am comfortable - your comfort is of least importance to me when it comes to my baby’s needs.